Food: Taco Bell

actually, here's the full title: Food: Taco Bell: The Unsung Heroes ...only that's kind of a lot of colons.

I'm not stupid, I totally get it: fast food is bad for you and Mexican fast food is moderately insulting to real Mexican food.  Regardless, I love Taco Bell and I look forward to the occasional Taco Bell feast.  I spent the last two weeks plotting the perfect timing and situation for my next indulgence so I could finally have my chance with the new Doritos Locos Taco.

Saturday was d-day.  Slightly hungover, I woke up early and went for a run to prep for the feast (side note: I don't run. I ran/walked for 20 minutes and almost died. It won't happen again for at least 3 months).  Like usual, my friend and I squeezed in front of my laptop to peruse the dynamic Taco Bell website to plan out our menu: it's about packing in as many different items without, well, risking death as a result.  We even chose an underrated movie to accompany our Taco Bell underrated-menu-items feast: Religulous.

I won't go into detail about the depths of the "OMG I see Jesus in my taco!" jokes that ran the entire length of the meal.  Just imagine the offensive hilarity that was present.

First Course: Doritos Locos Taco (regular)
I follow quite a few food review blogs and have seen nothing but positive reviews about this junk food engineering wonder, so it was my turn to get my hands on one.

Luckily, Taco Bell understands that I rarely ever want to TOUCH anything covered in Doritos powder, so the taco comes nestled in a handy sleeve for my convenience...or so Taco Bell has yet another chance to shove their social media down my throat.  Kudos, guys.

 

Unfortunately, this sleeve was significantly more difficult for me to navigate than, say, a Hot Pocket sleeve that tears away gradually (why don't more foods come in sleeves?).  When I picked it up to chow down, I actually hesitated for a second because my excitement almost caused me to bite right through the paper.  I surmised that the proper way to handle this was to occasionally slide the taco out the edge of the holder.  I'm still not sure I did it right.  Regardless, it was delicious and everything I hoped it would be.  The Doritos shell added just enough extra flavor to compliment whatever that meat goo is on the inside.  Yum.

Second Course: Fiesta Potatoes

In case you forgot (or never knew), Taco Bell has a 'sides' menu.  Of the three styrofoam-bowl-housed offerings, the potatoes are the clear winner.

These seem to be the cult favorite menu item of T Bell: they're rarely discussed in public, but never does a Taco Bell run lack a few of these thrown in.  I can't describe it any better than the photo presents it, sadly.  Soft, seasoned potatoes are doused in fluorescent cheese goo and sour cream.  They are the comfort food of the Taco Bell menu.  Never a disappointment, mostly because I would hope they're a difficult recipe to screw up.

Third Course: Volcano Taco

If you ask me, this is the one, single Taco Bell item that is the most underrated.  Actually, it's tied with the Volcano Burrito, but that's so big that it's kind of an all-inclusive meal, so it didn't fit into this feast.

If you thought the Doritos shell was an obnoxious color, think again.  This thing makes you question whether you're actually eating a food product.  I suspect the red shell is actually a regular one in disguise, but the addition of the signature Volcano Sauce is enough to mask any other flavor present.  It is glorious.  If I knew a T Bell insider that would smuggle things out the back door for me, every cupboard in my kitchen would be stocked with Volcano Sauce.  I like spicy food and it is freakin' spicy... the kind of spicy that begs for that mysterious Taco Bell blue Mountain Dew.

Fourth Course: 1/2 Pound Cheesy Potato Burrito

Two reasons:

1. I needed a cool-down from that Volcano Taco.

2. I don't do a Taco Bell run without some type of burrito thrown in there.

 

This one is fairly simple.  Those same soft, seasoned potato chunks are combined with some meat, cheese goo, and sour cream.  It's the perfect finish after anything spicy and is guaranteed to make you feel like you're going into a food coma. The texture of the entire thing is mushy and non-descript...in a wonderful way.  Sure, it may not be exciting enough to show its face on a flashy, giant Taco Bell window cling, but it's yummy and reliable, unlike some of my other past favorites (XXL Chalupa, Big Taste Taco, anything featuring bacon...) that are inevitably stolen away from me and packed deep within the Taco Bell vault, never to be seen again.

Which brings me to a (another) side note: my consistent social media monitoring helped me discover that the Doritos Locos Taco is going to be a permanent menu item, for anyone who cares.

Thousands of calories and countless Bill Maher praises later, that familiar deathly feeling set in and I was once again satisfied by my glorious Taco Bell.